A woman known as “Protecting My Peace” has written to advice columnist Annie Lane, seeking guidance on how to manage a challenging family dynamic involving her stepson. The 22-year-old, who has autism, has exhibited increasingly violent behavior, leading to a series of difficult decisions regarding family safety and emotional well-being.
For over a decade, the stepson lived alternately with his mother and his stepmother, who became deeply involved in his upbringing. She supported him in various ways, from attending school events to providing transportation for appointments. This involvement, however, took a turn as he reached adulthood and his behavior deteriorated. Reports indicate that he has caused significant damage to their home, including putting holes in walls and breaking furniture. Most alarmingly, he has threatened his stepmother and stalked one of her daughters online.
Maintaining Safety in Family Dynamics
Concerned for her family’s safety, “Protecting My Peace” informed her husband that she could no longer coexist with his son under their roof. Three years ago, she set a timeline for her husband to find alternative living arrangements for the stepson due to the escalating violence. Although her husband has made efforts to find a solution, he remains hopeful that his son can eventually reintegrate into the family.
Despite the couple engaging in both couples therapy and individual therapy, family therapy has been complicated. The stepson reportedly refused to participate if his stepmother was involved, stating that she was “not his mom.” As a result, “Protecting My Peace” has minimized contact with him for the past two years. While she acknowledges feelings of guilt, she also expresses relief at having established boundaries.
Challenges Around Family Gatherings
The situation became more pressing when her husband invited his son to join the family for Thanksgiving, which involves a large gathering with extended family, including grandchildren. “Protecting My Peace” made it clear that if her stepson attended, she and her children would not be present. She stated that she would reconsider if there were tangible signs of change, including consistent family therapy over time.
Her husband’s desire for reconciliation creates a painful conflict, as he struggles with the prospect of his son being excluded from family events. “Protecting My Peace” emphasizes the importance of her own children’s safety and mental health, declaring her need to prioritize their well-being over familial obligations. Her message is clear: she is not being selfish but rather protecting her family.
“Your compassion for him is clear: You showed up for him for years… Wanting distance now does not erase that love.”
In response to her dilemma, Annie Lane reassures her that her fears and boundaries are valid. She encourages open communication with her husband, suggesting that he understand her position: “I support you having a relationship with your son. I just cannot be part of holidays or close contact with him until there has been real, sustained change.” This advice emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries for emotional safety, especially in families with complex histories.
As “Protecting My Peace” navigates this challenging situation, she embodies the difficult balance many face between compassion for a family member and the need to protect loved ones from potential harm. The complexities of her stepson’s behavior highlight broader issues surrounding mental health, family dynamics, and the necessity of clear boundaries in maintaining emotional safety.
